First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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