My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
