I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
