SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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