can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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