Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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