Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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