I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
