I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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