NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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