dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
