i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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