I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
