I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
