I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
