If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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