Already got asked if we're dating
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
