The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my poor anus
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
