I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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