low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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