the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
