i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
