The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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