i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
