a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
