I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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