I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
