i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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