Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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