I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize