Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
