Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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