it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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