My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
