I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
