There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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