remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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