2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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