It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
