me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
