Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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