Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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