somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
