Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
