I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And then he peed in my hair
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