You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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