so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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