Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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