My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i permit you to call me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
