did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
