I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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