Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
