i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
