if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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