if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
