You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
