I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
